fashion magazine quiz...

Dear Diary,

Am I boring in bed? That's what my favorite fashion magazine thinks. Until I read all about the Bliss of Bad Bedroom Behavior, I thought I was actually pretty decent. You know, maybe not Angelina Jolie, but not boring. Oh, god. BORING?!! What kind of love death sentence is that? I don't know, but I've already begun trying to remedy the situation. First of all, I rented the recommended "sizzlin' hot" movies. I've been studying them: slo-mo, backwards, frame by frame, at an accelerated pace, while drunk, while working with a doll to simulate motions, I took notes, made sketches....you name it. So, I think I must have gotten something from that.
Step 2: I started doing yoga for four hours a day to "increase my stability, stamina and to make me bendy."
Next, I bought a whole stockpile of porn, to "keep my man going like a cowboy at the rodeo." Then, I bought all kinds of flavored lubes and outfits and toys and....I don't know. I'm not sure which are outfits and which are toys, but I guess I'll figure it out.
This better help...
Do you think I should buy that swing? Or that pad? Plastic sheets? Liquid Latex? There are so many options.

Now all I have to do is find someone to sleep with me...
Worried,
YourMadame
(P.S. Do you think that sounds too mean? Should I go with something else? I have to get this right!!)