worst decision EVER!!!

Dear Diary,

Seriously, how could I have been so stupid? I've done some stupid things in my life. There was the time I asked a woman how many months pregnant she was, and she wasn't pregnant. That was dumb. There was the time I decide to write on my face without checking to make sure the marker wasn't permanent. That was idiotic. There was the time I went through an entire job interview with my fly open and very noticable pit stains. That was humiliating...but this? Does life not humble me on a frequent enough basis? Was this really necessary???
You know how long I have been in love with Jake. He is essentially the most perfect being to grace this planet and for the first time, the first time, I was able to have a really great conversation with him. We started talking about all kinds of things, and I managed to sound intelligent (primarily because I actually uttered something other than "yeah"), so much to my surprise and to my great pleasure, he asked if I might want to join him at a cafe, where this local singer would be performing. Thrilled, I accepted. He told me to meet him at 7 that evening.
Then, I met my Mom for lunch. I actually blame her because being a vegetarian, she insisted we eat at some hippie restaurant and before I knew it, I had indulged in beans the size of yesterday and some hummus-flavored garlic. It wasn't until we started talking about my plans for the evening that I realized my huge mistake.
Now, I am hiding in the bathroom, trying to rid myself of the pressure in my stomach, which could easily fill a blimp. Not only that, but I am neurotically sucking on my 28th and 29th breath mints. I've been too afraid to open my mouth all evening and, instead, have chosen to grunt (quite melodically, I might add),shrug and use other incredibly unattractive body language. My life is over. The beans are staging a coup and taking over my digestive tract. There seems to be no end to my misery in sight and, oh my god, I have been in the bathroom for 15 minutes already. Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
P.S. to add insult to injury, the whole time, this stupid song is playing in my head:
beans beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot (so true), the more you toot, the better you feel (not so far), so eat your beans with every meal ( DO NOT DO THIS!!!)