Dear Diary,
I thought that time was on my side. When The Rolling Stones sang, I thought I was completely with them. I sang along, off-key and blissfully ignorant of the truth: Time does not love me. I thought I had my relationship with time all figured out. I suppose I should have known better. I did have an early tip-off, back when I was a mere child of 12. That should have been warning enough. I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Or at least that's what you think. You probably think that time is on your side, too. Silly, silly fool.
Anyway, here's the full story:
When I was a child of 5 or so, I remember a visit to the Family Health Clinic. My parents had taken me to get some sort of torturous immunization. Something about measles, mumps and ow that hurts. I was, at that tender age, terrified, paralyzingly so, of needles. I seriously could not stand the sight of them, and my flipping out when I saw them grew so extreme that a nurse actually refused to give me a shot because I made her feel too guilty. (Bad move on my part. Long-term effect: Pissed off doctor had to come and administer the shot. Impatient and not sympathetic to my plight. Jabbing motion comes to mind.) In any case, my older sister was getting a shot too. She had to get some 12 year old booster, and I thought, Wow. In 7 years, I have to go through this again. THANK GOD I will be so grown up then that I won't be afraid. It won't affect me at all. I'll be so cool about it. Thank God I'll be 12 and able to handle it.
Fast Forward 7 years: hysterics. trembling with fear. And feeling betrayed by time because I was not able to handle it. In fact, I still warn nurses whenever they have to draw blood or give me a shot. I still get the butterfly needle. When I had an IV once, I dreamed about being able to leave it in for all time, so that any time they needed something: voila! ready access, no pain.
So why am I writing about this? Because I'm graduating. And like the shot scenario, I always assumed that when I graduated, I'd be ready to graduate. Ready to move on and be an adult. But no. I'm not. Not even remotely. I don't want to be a grown-up, non-student. What's that about? I do not like it. I don't like it at all.
So now that I've learned that time isn't, in fact, on my side, I've begun to dread things. There have been a lot of things that have flashed through my head, but most prominently, and most disturbingly: childbirth.
I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it. And don't try to make me feel better with the "childbirth lasts a day (or whatever time it takes for me), motherhood lasts a lifetime" crap sentiment. I don't care. I'm adopting. Or something. Or they'll have to find some way to take away the pain without using a needle. Cos I don't play that way, as you should know.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can prepare myself for childbirth? Should I be doing some kind of exercise, taking some kind of vitamins, in case I forget that time isn't on my side and wind up "with child" somehow, someday?
Please, please, please help me. I don't want to go through the pain of childbirth. I'm not ready. AND I NEVER WILL BE. I now know and accept that.
Considering celibacy,
TimeEnemy
3 comments:
hey Carla, I love your writing you are really funny! I hope all is well but if youre serious about the thing you wrote here this is a great website(http://afraidtoask.healthology.comthe best in my opinion on health and stuff check it out it has videos on almost every topic and cool articles c ya take care bye Prosper
Thanks Prosper! I'm completely shocked by the fact that people actually read this silly blog. I really appreciate it. Hope you're doing well, can't wait to see you!
Angi,
I think you missed the point. It doesn't matter how much time I'll have. I'll never be ready, and that is a scary reality, my friend! Don't remind me of the other stuff I should be worried about either. My arm is undergoing intensive training to withstand even the most crushing force.
HA!
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