Dear Diary,
I went bowling with my friend Devin today. He has recently become obsessed with bowling and even wants me to join some kind of league that is somewhere in the next state over. I'm not too keen on the idea, but I guess if it makes him happy, then I should consider it.
While we were bowling, I heard myself congratulating him on every well bowled ball and every knocked over pin. To my surprise, however, upon closer inspection, I realized that the words passing through my lips were not even remotely in sync with the feeling in my chest. While I was ostensibly happy for him and pleased that he was succeeding, in fact I was seething at myself for not beating him.
At first I thought it was merely proper upbringing and good manners that led me to be a "good sport" and applaud his success, but let's be honest here, I have no proper upbringing. It's pretty standard in my house to mock everyone's successes and attribute them to luck, a gift, a fluke, or whatever else is convenient, no matter how absurd.
So if it's not about politeness, why am I being so fake? I'm not proud of this admission, but I think it may be for selfish reasons. I lied. I know it's for selfish reasons. The only reason that I keep my vile jealousy/competitiveness to myself and instead say things like "wow, that was great!" or "it's so close, and I bet you'll knock the pin over next time!" or "you were cheated! that was clearly meant to be a strike!" (exclamation marks necessary to convey the absolutely fake enthusiasm with which each of these comments is infused) is that I don't want to piss off the gods of luck and sports/games. I figure that if I act like I'm a good sport, then I'll be rewarded with a win. How terrible is that? All of my supposed niceness is based on a deeper truth of selfish egotism and superstition. I feel like the worst person ever!
Time for some reflection on the kind of person I am/want to be.
Sincerely (for a change),
ShouldReturnHerSportmanshipAward
p.s. It's pretty likely that I only confessed to all of this to remain in the good graces of the aforementioned gods. I'm hopeless.
