Dear Diary,
Well, now I've really done it. I took three aspirins within a six hour period. This is not good. I had a really bad headache, so OBVIOUSLY I wasn't in the mood to read the label. Now I have and let me say this: I should have taken the time to read before ingesting this lethal dose. Who knew the serious side effects of some headache medicine. I mean, maybe a little bit of nausea or fatigue, but not death?! Liver failure?! Heart failure?! Possibility of entering comatose or vegetative state?! What the?!!! I cannot believe this. Granted, my head feels better, but I mean, maybe your head does feel better before a major psychotic break. Damn. My sister always told me to read the directions and/or label, but did I listen? No. I have a history, you know. I never do the patch test before dyeing my hair. I never look at what my shampoo says. I don't bother to read the directions on the spaghetti package. I don't look at how to use toothpaste properly, which BY THE WAY is dangerous if you swallow more than a pea sized amount. Ok, my stomach feels like its rotting. Oh god. What the hell am I doing? I should have called a doctor. Maybe they can pump my stomach. Cause you know I'm not gonna do a self-pump. Not me. DOCTOR. or 911? I'll figure it out.
--MigraineFreeButPossiblyDamaged
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Curved, straight, thick, thin...
Dear Diary,
What do my eyebrows say about me? According to my beauty guru, eyebrows are a key component in understanding a person's perspective and attitude. For example, if your eyebrows are thick, then you want to be taken very seriously and tend to be argumentative. On the other hand, the length of your eyebrow across your eye indicates your level of kindness. If they are short, you are not prone to selfless acts--you tend to assess the potential for personal gain before entering into any favors etc.
Anyway, my eyes have been opened to the incredible importance of my eyebrows! Meanwhile, I have been so ignorant my whole life. Who knows what impression people have gotten. I intend to rectify this situation immediately. In fact, I've already begun the process. For the past hour I've been intently staring into the mirror. I've come to the conclusion that I need adjustments in the following areas: thickness, length, curve, color, length of hairs and shape of the "tail" (the portion at the end of the eyebrow, including the angle toward the hairline).
So, now I want to have my eyebrows tell people that I am open, honest, friendly, professional, funny, kind, diplomatic, fair and loving. Even if it's not quite true. I definitely don't want people to think I'm a pennypincher or something like that.
I have the necessary tools: tweezers with different tips, grips and metals. In addition, I have waxes, creams, and some weird hair removal systems called "balls" or "testes" or some other ridiculous name. I also have eyebrow dye, pencil, a small scissors, and a diagram that will help me accent my browbone.
Man, I don't know why I'm making this entry in the middle of such a serious crisis. I've cut out pictures of celebrities whose eyebrows give the proper introduction and will use them to help me sculpt my new look. Now it's time to get down to business. I will lock myself in my bathroom and WILL NOT reemerge until this matter has been settled. I just hope I don't pluck too much or get a cramp. Either way, I'm powering through.
Wish me luck!
Sincerely,
TheFormerlyMisrepresentedMe
What do my eyebrows say about me? According to my beauty guru, eyebrows are a key component in understanding a person's perspective and attitude. For example, if your eyebrows are thick, then you want to be taken very seriously and tend to be argumentative. On the other hand, the length of your eyebrow across your eye indicates your level of kindness. If they are short, you are not prone to selfless acts--you tend to assess the potential for personal gain before entering into any favors etc.
Anyway, my eyes have been opened to the incredible importance of my eyebrows! Meanwhile, I have been so ignorant my whole life. Who knows what impression people have gotten. I intend to rectify this situation immediately. In fact, I've already begun the process. For the past hour I've been intently staring into the mirror. I've come to the conclusion that I need adjustments in the following areas: thickness, length, curve, color, length of hairs and shape of the "tail" (the portion at the end of the eyebrow, including the angle toward the hairline).
So, now I want to have my eyebrows tell people that I am open, honest, friendly, professional, funny, kind, diplomatic, fair and loving. Even if it's not quite true. I definitely don't want people to think I'm a pennypincher or something like that.
I have the necessary tools: tweezers with different tips, grips and metals. In addition, I have waxes, creams, and some weird hair removal systems called "balls" or "testes" or some other ridiculous name. I also have eyebrow dye, pencil, a small scissors, and a diagram that will help me accent my browbone.
Man, I don't know why I'm making this entry in the middle of such a serious crisis. I've cut out pictures of celebrities whose eyebrows give the proper introduction and will use them to help me sculpt my new look. Now it's time to get down to business. I will lock myself in my bathroom and WILL NOT reemerge until this matter has been settled. I just hope I don't pluck too much or get a cramp. Either way, I'm powering through.
Wish me luck!
Sincerely,
TheFormerlyMisrepresentedMe
fashion magazine quiz...
Dear Diary,
Am I boring in bed? That's what my favorite fashion magazine thinks. Until I read all about the Bliss of Bad Bedroom Behavior, I thought I was actually pretty decent. You know, maybe not Angelina Jolie, but not boring. Oh, god. BORING?!! What kind of love death sentence is that? I don't know, but I've already begun trying to remedy the situation. First of all, I rented the recommended "sizzlin' hot" movies. I've been studying them: slo-mo, backwards, frame by frame, at an accelerated pace, while drunk, while working with a doll to simulate motions, I took notes, made sketches....you name it. So, I think I must have gotten something from that.
Step 2: I started doing yoga for four hours a day to "increase my stability, stamina and to make me bendy."
Next, I bought a whole stockpile of porn, to "keep my man going like a cowboy at the rodeo." Then, I bought all kinds of flavored lubes and outfits and toys and....I don't know. I'm not sure which are outfits and which are toys, but I guess I'll figure it out.
This better help...
Do you think I should buy that swing? Or that pad? Plastic sheets? Liquid Latex? There are so many options.
Now all I have to do is find someone to sleep with me...
Worried,
YourMadame
(P.S. Do you think that sounds too mean? Should I go with something else? I have to get this right!!)
Am I boring in bed? That's what my favorite fashion magazine thinks. Until I read all about the Bliss of Bad Bedroom Behavior, I thought I was actually pretty decent. You know, maybe not Angelina Jolie, but not boring. Oh, god. BORING?!! What kind of love death sentence is that? I don't know, but I've already begun trying to remedy the situation. First of all, I rented the recommended "sizzlin' hot" movies. I've been studying them: slo-mo, backwards, frame by frame, at an accelerated pace, while drunk, while working with a doll to simulate motions, I took notes, made sketches....you name it. So, I think I must have gotten something from that.
Step 2: I started doing yoga for four hours a day to "increase my stability, stamina and to make me bendy."
Next, I bought a whole stockpile of porn, to "keep my man going like a cowboy at the rodeo." Then, I bought all kinds of flavored lubes and outfits and toys and....I don't know. I'm not sure which are outfits and which are toys, but I guess I'll figure it out.
This better help...
Do you think I should buy that swing? Or that pad? Plastic sheets? Liquid Latex? There are so many options.
Now all I have to do is find someone to sleep with me...
Worried,
YourMadame
(P.S. Do you think that sounds too mean? Should I go with something else? I have to get this right!!)
The Am I series continued...
Dear Diary,
Am I psychic? Today I thought about eating a cheese sandwich and I did.
Spooked,
MadameClare
Am I psychic? Today I thought about eating a cheese sandwich and I did.
Spooked,
MadameClare
am i a feminist?
Dear Diary,
Am I a feminist? I realized today that I very rarely wear skirts. In fact, I don't know if I even own a skirt. Also, I am easily annoyed by stupid people, particularly chauvinist men and ridiculous women. What does this all mean? Oh no! I've been thinking this over quite seriously now for at least ten minutes, and I'm pretty sure that I often open doors for men. I never really thought about it before, but maybe it's a sign that I am asserting my control and independence. Oh no.....I also insist on paying for things a lot of the time. I don't know what to make of this. Am I a lesbian? I do think that Charlize Theron is very pretty, looks perfect in evening wear and I have admired her statuesque figure. Diary, please help me answer these questions!!!
Forlorn,
WomankindProponent?
Am I a feminist? I realized today that I very rarely wear skirts. In fact, I don't know if I even own a skirt. Also, I am easily annoyed by stupid people, particularly chauvinist men and ridiculous women. What does this all mean? Oh no! I've been thinking this over quite seriously now for at least ten minutes, and I'm pretty sure that I often open doors for men. I never really thought about it before, but maybe it's a sign that I am asserting my control and independence. Oh no.....I also insist on paying for things a lot of the time. I don't know what to make of this. Am I a lesbian? I do think that Charlize Theron is very pretty, looks perfect in evening wear and I have admired her statuesque figure. Diary, please help me answer these questions!!!
Forlorn,
WomankindProponent?
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
This one's to cheer up Alizah!
Dear Diary....
I have been waiting for 3 weeks now. I understand that he's busy. I get that. But, I mean, seriously, it's about time for a reply. I sent my letter almost a month ago. Plus, I sent it overnight priority to make sure he got it. So it couldn't have been lost in the mail or something like that? But how else can I explain it? There must be some answer.
Ok, so I realize that the great G.C. is pretty occupied with his career and travels and fabulousness, but I think I made it clear how much I love him. It was, after all, a 30 page handwritten declaration of my undying, neverending, burning throughout my being, increasing with my every breath, echoing through my every thought, all-consuming love. NOT INFATUATION, despite what some of my less supportive friends might think. I can just tell when I look into his eyes that we were meant to be together. There's something about him that reassures me of our bond every time he's interviewed. Oh, Georgy, why do you torture me so? Maybe he's flying out to see me and wants it to be a surprise. That would be amazing. That's gotta be the answer, right? There's no other plausible explanation. UNLESS, he is currently shopping for an engagement ring to present to me when we meet. But I don't know. It's going to take a face-to-face meeting to convince the great Clooney to end his bachelor days and begin our life together. When he looks into my eyes and our souls mingle, he'll know it, though. Mrs. George Clooney. We'll be married in his beautiful villa on Lake Como. Well, I guess then it will be our villa. Ah, Italy.
So where the hell is his damn letter?!!!???!?!?!?
Patience is a virtue, true love will come to those who wait...
I just hope that I don't begin losing faith.
Until I receive an answer, I will continue scrapbooking and making digital photos of us and planning the wedding and thinking of names for our children and decorating the house we'll be buying on the Greek Isles....
I can wait for paradise!
With breath that is bated,
the futureMrs.GeorgeClooney
I have been waiting for 3 weeks now. I understand that he's busy. I get that. But, I mean, seriously, it's about time for a reply. I sent my letter almost a month ago. Plus, I sent it overnight priority to make sure he got it. So it couldn't have been lost in the mail or something like that? But how else can I explain it? There must be some answer.
Ok, so I realize that the great G.C. is pretty occupied with his career and travels and fabulousness, but I think I made it clear how much I love him. It was, after all, a 30 page handwritten declaration of my undying, neverending, burning throughout my being, increasing with my every breath, echoing through my every thought, all-consuming love. NOT INFATUATION, despite what some of my less supportive friends might think. I can just tell when I look into his eyes that we were meant to be together. There's something about him that reassures me of our bond every time he's interviewed. Oh, Georgy, why do you torture me so? Maybe he's flying out to see me and wants it to be a surprise. That would be amazing. That's gotta be the answer, right? There's no other plausible explanation. UNLESS, he is currently shopping for an engagement ring to present to me when we meet. But I don't know. It's going to take a face-to-face meeting to convince the great Clooney to end his bachelor days and begin our life together. When he looks into my eyes and our souls mingle, he'll know it, though. Mrs. George Clooney. We'll be married in his beautiful villa on Lake Como. Well, I guess then it will be our villa. Ah, Italy.
So where the hell is his damn letter?!!!???!?!?!?
Patience is a virtue, true love will come to those who wait...
I just hope that I don't begin losing faith.
Until I receive an answer, I will continue scrapbooking and making digital photos of us and planning the wedding and thinking of names for our children and decorating the house we'll be buying on the Greek Isles....
I can wait for paradise!
With breath that is bated,
the futureMrs.GeorgeClooney
Thursday, December 01, 2005
it's such a mess
Dear Diary,
It's incredible. The stress, the insanity of it all! My poor baby. She doesn't fully realize the weight that's resting on her shoulders. Little Princess Glamour is sleeping peacefully on her velvet pillow while her Mommy is desperately trying 2 decide between the ballerina costume a la BitBit and the angel wings a la Tyra. It's so confusing. I mean, the fluff of the ballerina costume is unbelievably cute, but at the same time, HELLO!! I do not want Little Princess Glamour 2 look like a copycat. She's as original as they come. Right down 2 her perfectly manicured nails (I had them spell out the name of her favorite TV channels: BRAVODOG and ANMLPLNT, sooooo cute). NEway, I just want everything 2 be purrrfect. The angel wings are really sweet, but sometimes they slip off when she's walking and what if that happens during her runway show? I know they deduct serious points 4 wardrobe malfunctions. We DO NOT need another J.J. incident...besides, I don't want my baby exposed 4 the world 2 see. Oh gosh, if there just weren't so much riding on 2morrow's show. But if she doesn't win this one, she won't have the creds 2 get into the doggy day care summer camp (Peaceful Paws & Doga) I have picked out. Luckily, I did manage to wrangle an appointment with the puppy masseuse 4 2morrow, and I do have her evening gown and swim suit picked out. PLUS, she learned how 2 walk in her puppy heels on 2 paws, so she really is set. But what 2 do about the costume?????!!!!
Painfully Yours,
LittlePrincessGlamourSquad
It's incredible. The stress, the insanity of it all! My poor baby. She doesn't fully realize the weight that's resting on her shoulders. Little Princess Glamour is sleeping peacefully on her velvet pillow while her Mommy is desperately trying 2 decide between the ballerina costume a la BitBit and the angel wings a la Tyra. It's so confusing. I mean, the fluff of the ballerina costume is unbelievably cute, but at the same time, HELLO!! I do not want Little Princess Glamour 2 look like a copycat. She's as original as they come. Right down 2 her perfectly manicured nails (I had them spell out the name of her favorite TV channels: BRAVODOG and ANMLPLNT, sooooo cute). NEway, I just want everything 2 be purrrfect. The angel wings are really sweet, but sometimes they slip off when she's walking and what if that happens during her runway show? I know they deduct serious points 4 wardrobe malfunctions. We DO NOT need another J.J. incident...besides, I don't want my baby exposed 4 the world 2 see. Oh gosh, if there just weren't so much riding on 2morrow's show. But if she doesn't win this one, she won't have the creds 2 get into the doggy day care summer camp (Peaceful Paws & Doga) I have picked out. Luckily, I did manage to wrangle an appointment with the puppy masseuse 4 2morrow, and I do have her evening gown and swim suit picked out. PLUS, she learned how 2 walk in her puppy heels on 2 paws, so she really is set. But what 2 do about the costume?????!!!!
Painfully Yours,
LittlePrincessGlamourSquad
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